PLAYING WITH GRANDPA

IF NOT ADOPTION, THEN WHAT? PART1

Controversial is not normally my style. I do not like stirring things up, but this topic hits very close to home. There are certain issues that I feel I must speak to and "anti-adoption" is one of them.

Check out my first two posts on this topic....here and here.

The most disturbing blog I have found is LIVING IN THE SHADOWS. First I want you to go here, which explains where this woman is coming from. She was lied to and coerced into placing her child for adoption. I understand how her experience has caused these beliefs and I feel very sorry for her. With that said, I disagree with most of the rest of her blog.

In the sidebar she has a four part post entitled THE CASE AGAINST ADOPTION. In the INTRODUCTION she makes some very interesting points, however....

* I do not think the alternative is to have children languish in foster care without having any real sense of family.
* I do not think that mother's who have no education or financial where-with-all should be "made" to keep children, possible from rape, that were unwanted.
* I do not think that I should have to "support" you. You are the one choosing to keep your child and if you really don't have the means to do so, maybe this isn't the best choice. I do believe in charity, but if adoption was abolished I think "the system" would be OVERFLOWING with those needing "support."
* I agree that some adoptions are illegal and children have been stolen.
* I know my adopted child is not a toy or a pet and he is not second best to a biological child.
* I agree that some people do not stand by what they agreed to do in the adoption plan, but if they are really thinking about the child they would.
* I agree that the foster care system needs a major overhaul, but to "abolish" adoption all together would create a monumental crisis that the world would not soon get over.

In PART 1 of her CASE AGAINST ADOPTION she goes into ancient adoption, where she explains The Code of Hammurabi.

“Adoption had to be with consent of the real parents, who usually executed a deed making over the child, who thus ceased to have any claim upon them. But vestals, hierodules, certain palace officials and slaves had no rights over their children and could raise no obstacle. Foundlings and illegitimate children had no parents to object. If the adopted child discovered his true parents and wanted to return to them, his eye or tongue was torn out.”

* Adopting an "orphaned" child is ok, but adopting other children is not?
* Adoption in the past (ancient history) was indeed for the adult's benefit only, but certainly things have changed since then.
* The open-adoption I have does not "require" my son to cut ties with his natural family and I would be remiss in my parenting of him if I allowed that to happen.
* Stolen babies, illegal adoptions, unethical legal practices ....I get it....but I do not think this is the norm.

She then says, "So okay, you say, what then? What if adoption is gone and no longer exists? What about all those children who are abandoned (although this number is greatly exaggerated), abused, neglected etc? What do we do with them? From what I gather, adoption as it is right now appears to be more about infant adoption than adoption for those children who are in need of a stable home. Cute newborns who are supposedly (according to some uninformed individuals) blank slates, are in the highest demand. Children languishing in our foster care systems are the biggest proof that adoption is about the adults and not the children. If more people were interested in caring for children, less children would fall into the foster care system."

* I do not think the number of abandoned children is "greatly exaggerated."
* For the most part I do agree that newborns are "blank slates"
* Personally, I did try to adopt through the foster care system and after a year we were no closer to adoption then the day we started. The foster care system's goal is "parent reunification." They give the "natural parents" (drug addicts etc...) more then enough chases to get their lives in order, while the child is bounced around from foster home to foster home and I feel they, in no way, are thinking of the child's best welfare, but are totally looking at the adult's needs.

Her next comment:

"As intelligent human beings (at least I hope we are), there is no reason ethically and morally why we cannot work out another alternative to adoption. There is no real reason we cannot abolish adoption and yet still provide care for these precious children who truly need it."

Until this way is found....what would you have us do? Provide "care" ....I am not Samuel's babysitter...I am his mother!

"Sealing records and hiding birth certificates benefits nobody in the long run. Contact with the family of Origin would not need to be a threat if it was conducted in the best interests of the child."

TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS!

"Back in ancient times, little was known about the damages adoption would cause. It is obvious adoptees back then tried to return to their families which is why the Code of Hammurabi includes a law that states an adopted person will have their eye cut out or their tongue cut off if they sought out their origins."

* Back in ancient times...these cast off children died in the streets....

Some adoptions were and are bad, as her experience was, BUT, that does not negate all the good. As she can name blog after blog of people who are against adoption, I can name just as many who are for it. Would she have these cases terminated?

More to come.....

ps...I have now turned comment moderation on...I do not mind a healthy debate and people expressing their opinions, even if they are different then mine, but I do not want vulgarity, abuse or harassment and I will delete those types of comments. Thank you.

LEARNING TO READ!

A five-year old child was learning to read. He pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...


" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

THE GOOD WIFE

These are my goals for the new year.....


* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

This does not say it can't be from the freezer, right?!

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

...unlike you...why would you be "work-weary?" You've been home all day playing with the children.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

If I were a little "gay" that would certainly make his life more interesting. "Duties!" Those are fightin' words!

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

But if I clear the clutter then the dirt will show. What's a dust cloth?

* During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Maybe I could burn the clutter in this fire. "catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction," ...just keep telling yourself this and you'll eventually believe it.

* Be happy to see him.

I've heard that Botox will help with this one.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

....again...Botox...or maybe Kahlua and cream!

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

"his topics of conversation are more important than yours," ...because the bills, the broken refrigerator and the grass that needs to be mowed can be handled by......YOU!

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

..."try to understand his world of strain," because straining to "pop" out his children doesn't really count.

* Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Save those for his day off!

* Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

After all you are his servant and servants don't question the master. If he's out all night the remote is yours!

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Maybe, I'll train the dog to bring him his slippers too.

* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

...and then throw the shoes at his head.

* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

He wouldn't know the answers anyway. The poor man still doesn't know where the dishes go.

* A good wife always knows her place.

In the Lazy Boy, by the fire, with a good book and a cup of coffee, delegating and watching my minions do my bidding....this is right, isn't it!?

Housekeeping Monthly 13 May 1955

THE BEST HOPE

If you read my first post on this topic you know that I am shocked and confused by this new realm I have discovered: people who think adoption should be "abolished."

In just a short time of reading these blogs, I very quickly realized, that all of them have had negative experiences with adoption: some go back the 1950's when pregnant girls were whisked away to some unknown city to "visit a sick cousin" (hide the pregnancy) and it was all hush hush and no one ever knew where the baby went, some were tricked with drugs into signing away their rights, some had horribly abusive adoptive parents, some were promised letters and pictures, but never received them and some were not counseled well and were made to feel guilty and dirty. They prefer to be called "first mothers" or "natural mothers" not birth mothers. They feel they are the only "true" mother of their child.

I also learned that many adoptees are still being denied their original birth certificates. This is a great shame. I know that some "natural mothers" wish to remain anonymous, but one of the reasons for having "open" adoption is so that medical records (of hereditary diseases, heart or blood issue), if needed, are available.

They are also offended that the birth certificates are altered, as they see it, wiping them out of their child's life.

I feel horrible that these women have had these experiences, but in their hurt, anger and betrayal they are trying to turn others against adoption, harassing bloggers who have adopted and lumping everyone's motives in together.

I cried reading this woman's story, of how, under heavy medication, she signed away her parental rights and her child was taken away.

They seem to have this feeling that EVERY adopted child feels abandoned. I can tell you that this is not the case. My husband is adopted and is very secure. ABANDONED is not how he feels. So there have to be others out there like him. Being adopted very seldom even crosses my husbands mind. It's not "who he is," but how he came to be with his family.

They are so mad at God that they can't see that He does have a plan and sometimes that plan does not include being raised by the "natural parents." One even said, "I almost never pray for someone else,..." This in itself tells me that they are just thinking of themselves and not the child. I did not want, nor need, to "steal" anyone's baby. However, I do believe that Samuel was "destined" to be raised by Richard and I.

Some just come right out with it. They are ANTI-ADOPTION just as the title says.

I do not see myself as the "second-best" option for Samuel nor do I see myself as "rescueing" him. I am not some hero, although some people have tried to make it seem like I did this just to "be kind," saying, "You are so wonderful to adopt," which is really quite maddening. This is just the way I was meant to become a mom.

In no way do I agree with children being "taken" from their "natural mothers." I do feel however that "honest" counseling can help them think through "what is best for the child." This may mean raising their child, but, yes, sometimes that does mean that the "natural parents" are not fit ("A parent may be deemed unfit if they have been abusive, neglected, or failed to provide proper care for the child. A parent with a mental disturbance or addiction to drugs or alcohol may also be found to be an unfit parent. Failure to visit, provide support, or incarceration are other examples of grounds for being found unfit.") and adoption could be the best plan.

I can not imagine the pain and heart ache mothers go through when they choose adoption, let alone when it is forced upon them, but when you look at the other options: abortion, foster care, unfit home, etc...adoption, although not perfect (as nothing is), certainly is the best hope.

More to come......

NEW PLACE TO PLAY

Do I have the cutest son, or what!?!

These are the softest feet!

I pull out the baskets under the coffee table and he crawls through the middle.

He throws his blocks to the other side and then retrieves them. This is repeated MULTIPLE times!

I have so much fun watching him play and seeing him figure things out!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY #72...Reading Books

For more WORDLESS WEDNESDAY pictures go to 5 MINUTES FOR MOM.

TOTALLY!

BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

Up to this point I was living in blissful ignorance. It never crossed my mind that ANYONE could be against adoption. Then I read a friend's private blog post about how she was being harassed by someone that was, indeed, against adoption.

Then I fell down the rabbit hole....

By blog hopping, I have found a new group of blogs out there, written by women who "HATE" adoption, feel like their children were taken from them (and, in some instances, I agree, they were...), want to abolish adoption and therefore, do not even like those who adopt.

Over several posts, I will be sharing with you, what I have found and giving my take on the whole "anti-adoption" scene. It is sad and very disturbing. For now I need to gather my thoughts and spend some time researching and writing.

My question to you is this....Has anyone else had experiences with this? I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.

TWO SENSE TUESDAYS #43...CURFEW

Being a new mother I seem to get a lot of advice, which can be helpful, but is also very frustrating when it's from people who are insistent that their way is the BEST way. I also get advice (because I'm an adoptive mother) from those who think that my son is just a stand-in until I get "the real thing."

Each week I will post a new question. I'd love it if you'd play along and offer us new mothers your pearls of wisdom.

HERE IS THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:

WHAT ARE YOUR RULES/FEELINGS ON CURFEW?

WHAT I DO IN MY SPARE TIME!

I have never been into the "shoot, bang, blood and guts" games that others like. I am more the, solving puzzles and building worlds, type of gal.

I started a few years ago with MYST...

....where you have to grab the key, to unlock the door, to get the secret book to save the world. You can't die and there are tons of puzzles and mysteries to solve.

Then I found BIG FISH GAMES...

....and I became addicted to hidden picture games. You have to find objects in the scene that help you find clues to solving a mystery.

This screen shot is from ESCAPE THE MUSEUM 2. You have to find all the items in the menu on the right, which will help you do other things in the game. They are really quite fun.

The most recent game I downloaded is called WORLD OF ZELLIANS-KINGDOM BUILDER.

It's an adventure game. You have to help different kings build up their kingdoms before fires, thieves and crazy people take over. There are over 30 levels and it's really quite challenging.

I also play FARMVILLE on FACEBOOK. Let me know if you want to be my friend or need me to send you chickens or barrels of apples.

WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THEN MEN!

The cops who stopped him must have been laughing hysterically.

Who needs a stinkin' truck?!

How much do you think this guy gets paid?

NOT CONFUSING IN THE LEAST!

This is for all moms who have wanted to be in four places at once! Apparently it is possible!

GHOSTS OF BOXES PAST!

On Christmas Eve we traditionally get together at Super Aunt Genie's house and open presents from family. Santa's gifts are opened Christmas day, of course. So last night we all joined together once again....and much laughter was had....

My mother learned to be frugal very early on, especially since she raised 8 children. Well, one of the ways she saved was to reuse boxes. To this day, boxes from the previous Christmas, show up time after time after time. We laughed when Richard took the outside paper off of this one and in the corner was a tag saying, "To Mom, Love MaryKay."

This isn't so bad if it's clothes or something, but Richard learned not to trust the outside box, the hard way. Very soon after he joined out family, he unwrapped a present and the box showed a picture of a camcorder. He got VERY EXCITED, but I reminded him to wait until he looked inside. His smile disappeared when the camcorder box revealed a pair of pajamas. His comment, "That's just wrong!"

And the tradition is passed to Samuel....

Here is the box.....

...and here was the gift inside!

I JUST LOVE FAMILY TRADITIONS!

The Kitchen Window...Butter Cake

Time for an amazing cake recipe! YUM! YUM!

Ingredients:

Cake:

1 (18 1/4-ounce) package yellow cake mix
1 egg
1 stick butter, melted
Whipped cream, for garnish

Filling:

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 whole banana
1 stick butter
1 (16-ounce) box powdered sugar

Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine the cake mix, egg, and butter together and mix well. Pat into a lightly greased glass 13 by 9-inch baking pan. Prepare the filling.

Beat the cream cheese until smooth. Add the eggs and vanilla. Add the peanut butter; beat. Add the banana and butter and mix well. Add the powdered sugar and mix well. Spread over the cake mixture. Bake for 45 to 50 minutes. You want the center to be a little gooey, so do not over bake. Top each cake slice with dollop of whipped cream.

GOD HEAR OUR PRAYERS #76

My mother has always had a prayer list and I've now started one of my own. So each Sunday I will publish the prayer requests of anyone who e-mails me. Please keep us updated as God answers your prayers too.

Who we are praying for this week...

* My mother's hip and heart to be healed.
* My dad's back needs healing.
* Samuel's babysitter, Penny, her mother died suddenly
* My friend, Penny's, dad recently passed away after a 2 1/2 year battle with esophageal cancer. Entire family is very sad. Need prayers for healing their hearts and spirits.
* Janice needs healing from her cancer.
* Lana wants prayers that she is matched soon.
* BB's husband's job situation.
* K-the birthmother of our baby
* Bri's hubby's job situation.
* Lisa - guidance for hubby & adoption plans to fall into place
* Dawn - husband to hear God and find his way to Him
* Christy prayers and praise
* Rebel may your troubles end soon and blessings for Turtle
* peace in the Middle East
* our economy
* all service men and women that they may come home soon

E-mail me if you have someone for me to add to the weekly prayer request. God Bless.

Samuel's Friends!

Grandpa Don and Arlen visit!

Last weekend Richard's dad, Don and step-mom, Arlen, came to visit.

Here is a great picture of Richard with his Dad! Menlo had to be in the picture too.

After dinner Richard had to "try" and beat his dad at backgammon. Sorry! Don still remains the champion!

Here is the evidence of Samuel being "slightly" scared of men....(No children were harmed in the making of this picture.)

Arlen reads my blog and mentioned that there are never any pictures of Samuel and I. I told her that's because I'm the one always taking the pictures. It was nice of her to take these. Otherwise the poor boy would grow up thinking I was just a figment of his imagination.

I love this one! If we had this one earlier, it would have been our Christmas card.

My parents came over for dinner and while they were here, Arlen took this great picture too!

We had a great visit and lots of wonderful food. Come back and visit soon!