Wednesday, March 21, 2018


Hi, I'm a perfectionist. I struggle with isolation, intimacy and anger. I feel awful about these things, but prayer helps. Also reading and long walks.....very, very long walks.

Everyone needs a place to say what they really feel. This is mine. If you don't agree with me that is fine, but if you try to leave nasty comments I will delete them.

Ok, let's move on....

At some point, very early on, but also over many years, I picked up that I wasn't good enough as is. I decided to run inside.

I'm hoping that reading my truths will both make you less afraid of your own true self and make me less afraid of mine too.

I am easily overwhelmed.

I pray to remind myself that I am not in charge, the world will keep spinning and I am not in control.

These days I've been praying for God to help me feel peace in the midst of my mommy life, instead of feeling constantly like a dormant volcano likely to erupt at any given moment and as Glennon Melton says, "burn my entire family alive."

For a lot of years I had the wrong idea about peace. It isn't the absence of annoyances, conflict and pain. It's the ability to cope with these things, no matter the circumstances, and still find calm and stillness.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018


Thanks to my friend, Lynn, Andrew got to see chicks that had just been born.

She also showed him another one that is trying to come out of the egg.
The darker one was born last night and the yellow one (still wet) was born this morning.



Glennon exposes her life in all it's malfunctioning glory. She puts her life on display and makes no apologies. She says, "There is the public self who says everything is fine and says the right things in order to belong and the secret self who thinks other things."

I've got so sick of listening to myself drone on to others about how fine things are, how perfect.

Marriage is work, money is tight, my kids drive me nuts, I'm a nag, I worry about the future and I don't drink lemon water. 

Mom's are suppose to have it all figured out. I don't feel that I can confess to yelling, not feeding my kids balanced meals every night or sometimes, not really liking being a mom (OMG....did she just say that!), without being told how these are the best days of my life, "this too will pass," I am so lucky to stay home and I just need to "x, y and z" and it will all be better.

1. They may be "the best days of my life," but criticizing or judging me because I don't think so and and saying this to me while I am tired and cranky, while cleaning up vomit and poop (lots and lots of poop) and dealing with tantrums (shatter your eardrums, screaming), plus I'm doing this all on no sleep (for the past 4 years) doesn't help. Instead, I need to hear, "I've been there. This is a really hard job. There are only 6 more hours until bedtime. Good for you, they are still alive."

2. "This too will pass" will your kidney stone, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

3. I know I am blessed to be able to stay at home with my boys, when so many other moms can't, but again it doesn't mean it is easy. I taught school for 25 years and having a full time job, was so much easier then this. This is only my second year into being a full time, stay-at-home mom and although I love being able to pee whenever I want, being on the go all day, constant noise, balancing marriage and cleaning and cooking and finances and outings and phone calls and emails and doctor appointments and school projects and errands and grocery shopping etc...etc...etc...with little's still a work in progress.

4. I don't mind getting advice from someone who has been there and has new ideas for me to try, but judging me because I am not doing "this" the same way they do it, is not helpful. A friend of mine and I chat a lot about our kids and our issues, and how we do things totally different and what works for her, may not work for me, but we don't condemn each other because we do it differently. We have discussed, often, how we want to write a book on how to parent, called, "WHATEVER WORKS." There will be many chapters including: feeding, meal prep, discipline, sleep issues, school, schedules, and health, to name a few. Open to any chapter and the only thing it will say is, "WHATEVER WORKS." Because no two parents or kids are alike. One thing that works for me may not work for you. Breastfeeding may work for you, but that's not an option for me, I adopted. You may love to cook and it's a joy for you, but cooking is agonizing to me and my kids won't die because they get boxed mac-n-cheese once a week. Your child hates broccoli, mine loves it. Are you a bad parent because you don't make your child eat it? My other son hates pizza. So on pizza night he eats a salad. Yes, he voluntarily eats salad. I taught school for 25 years, but if I home-schooled my children, we wouldn't survive the day. Others love it. Yes, actually love it. That's ok. WHATEVER WORKS.

Glennon says, "Why is it that the moment you express that something is hard (as all important jobs are) people feel the need to suggest your not doing it right or that then maybe you shouldn't have done it at all."

Confession.....I have not unfriended, but I no longer "follow" family and friends that only post (on FACEBOOK) how wonderful their lives are and how perfect their children are. I know it's a lie.

The truth. I am rarely fine......and I am SO, SO far from the few "real" conversations I've had, the people I've had them with are downright shocked to learn that I do not have it all together and I am not the strong person I display. As my sister expressed to me once, I wear a suit of armor to protect myself, and very few people get through it.

Let's be honest folks.

No one really knows what they are getting themselves in for when they sign up for this. We are all told "this won't be easy," but we don't really, believe it. We've graduated, held down productive jobs, lived through pain, made major moves and had to make some really tough decisions in our lives. It will be a little different when we have kids, but we'll figure it out. Right?! Nope! Not for at least 18 years.

It will be great sometimes, but it's ok to say that it will also SUCK!

Monday, March 19, 2018


What's on my plate: My usual......a large cup of coffee and a bagel with peanut butter.

On my to do list this week:

1. Dump run for both my house and the Air BnB rental.
2. Laundry
3. Vacuum and dusting
4. Change kids beds
5. Paying bills
6. Sorting out kids dressers to find clothes that don't fit.
7. Trip to library with Andrew
8. Taping off kitchen to get ready to paint
9. IEP meeting for Andrew
10. My sister Karen is going to teach me to crochet

Currently Reading:
Carry On Warrior  by Glennon Melton
Shadow Prey by John Sandford

On the TV this week:

Real Houswives

The weather outside is:

Still cold and brisk. Another winter storm is headed our way on Thursday. I can't believe Wednesday is the first day of spring.

On the menu this week:

Baked Chicken, corn and stuffing
Skillet Meal
Soup and sandwiches

In my craft basket:

Felting a beach scene and crocheting a scarf

On my camera:
Andrew is sliding "Nice to Kitty" down the bannister.

Bible Verse:
Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  1 Corinthians 10:31

Friday, March 16, 2018


I've found a new craft. FELTING!
This was my first attempt.
To explain a little farther: Lay a clean piece of felt on top of a piece of foam (so the needle won't go through and poke you).
Then using wool roving.... wool that has been cleaned and dyed....

and a felting needle....a very sharp barbed needle. I use this.....

or one of these.....
You pull off pieces of the wool and layer it on the felt. Then poke the wool into the felt.

Lorraine Cathey gives a good explanation of the process, although, I only to dry felting not wet felting.

Here are examples of my work:
These are only my first few attempts. I love it.

I'm not interested in dying my own wool or the time consuming wet felting part. The only expensive piece is the wool roving. My local craft stores don't carry much of the wool roving, so I buy mine from Amazon, but I've been told in the spring, there are farms that raise their own sheep, that sell wool roving for a lot cheaper. So, I now plan to investigate this part further.

Thursday, March 15, 2018


Our downstairs bathroom is now complete.
The flooring was replaced, we repainted and there is a new mirror and light.
We also updated the color. It's hard to see but the towels are hanging on hooks attached to a set of skis. My brothers helped us take down the glass shower door and replace it with a curtain rod.
This WAS my husbands closet. YUCK!
Now it's nice and fresh and pretty.