MAKING CHILDREN MIND...Chapter #5

Welcome back to our discussion of the book, MAKING CHILDREN MIND WITHOUT LOSING YOURS by Dr. Kevin Leman. I would love to read all your thoughts, opinions and comments. My comments will be in green.

If you're just joining us, you may want to read chapters 1-4 first.
Here are the links:

Chapter 1: IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE! GRAB A VINE!
Chapter 2: Inconsistency-or How to Raise a Yo-Yo
Chapter 3: It's All In the Eye of the Beholder
Chapter 4: Why Reward and Punishment Don't Work

Now let's move on to...
Chapter 5: Pull the Rug Out and Let the Little Buzzards Tumble

"When a child steps over the line and by his actions says, 'You're not my authority--I'll do my own thing,' parents have the responsibility to act quickly and decisively--and pull the rug out. They don't test us out of pure orneriness; what they really want to know is whether or not we care. When we are firm and prove that we do care, they may not like it, but they do respect us and appreciate us."

I see so many parents these days who are afraid to be parents. It is your "responsibility" as their parent to act. Kids will have plenty of "friends" over their life time, but they'll only have one set of parents, YOU. Be what they need and deserve. Kids will never admit it, but they want discipline, rules and boundaries.

"I believe children eighteen months and younger should never be swatted. A child that young doesn't understand what is happening. In fact, children under eighteen months do not have complete conceptual development. No is not a word they really understand. As children reach the age of two, they are much more capable of conceptualizing. But spanking has to be used in the appropriate situation. For example, a swat on the bottom can be a good disciplinary measure for a young child in the two to seven year old range when he is being absolutely willful and rebellious. The key to spanking your child is being in control of your own emotions. The second key principle to apply when spanking is what I call 'follow-up time.' I believe that when you spank a child, you have an obligation to tell the child exactly why he was spanked. You have the further obligation to listen to the child. The key to follow-up, however, is physical contact. Hold the child and talk to him about your feelings. Explain why you are upset. Explain what made you angry and why it was necessary to spank. And explain what you expect from the child in the future. During the follow-up time, tell him you love him."

How many of us were "swatted" as children? I know I was, but it was only when it was necessary, only a couple times and it made my parents point quite clear. I was never given the "follow-up," however, and I love this idea. That way the child knows that it's the behavior you don't like, not them.

"Be sure they feel loved
* "Make sure you see your children as God sees them--as a 'gift,' a 'reward' and as 'arrows' (Psalms 127:4)--not as an interruption, accident, or tax break.
* Cultivate a childlike attitude.
* Give your children direct eye contact.
* Physically express your love.
* Train yourself to be a good listener.
* Spend time together.
* Respect is a two-way street.
* Don't demand respect-earn it.
* Hold them accountable for their choices"

I get so angry (because I haven't been able to have children of my own) at parents who constantly complain about their kids and don't enjoy being parents. Why bother having them...if they are just an interruption to something else you'd rather be doing? Why bother having them...if you are too busy to be there for them? Why bother having them...if you can't afford it either financially, emotionally or mentally? Just because you can physically have children doesn't mean you are ready to be a parent or even want to be a parent. It's more loving to decide not to have children at all or to have an adoption plan, then to ignore, not train, and be bitter because of them. As Dr. Phil says, everything you do "writes on the slate" of who they are.

"--anything is easier than real discipline. It's much easier to be permissive and to just 'let it go.' And it is even easier to punish because you allow yourself the luxury of letting off steam and you usually don't have to follow through and make sure your child actually learns something. It takes real commitment, perseverance and courage to discipline your children. It is never easy but always worthwhile. Never be afraid to pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble. I promise you they will land right side up--and so will you!"

I don't know who said it, but "Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do." Think long and carefully before deciding that you are ready to put aside your own wants and needs. These little ones are amazing and precious gifts from God. He is allowing you to raise them for Him. Consider this before becoming parents and then do the job properly so that when you see God, He will say to you, (Matthew 25:23) "Well done, good and faithful servant."