MAKING CHILDREN MIND...Chapter #3

Welcome back to our discussion of the book, MAKING CHILDREN MIND WITHOUT LOSING YOURS by Dr. Kevin Leman. I would love to read all your thoughts, opinions and comments. My comments will be in green.

Chapter 3: It's All In the Eye of the Beholder
"...reality is how your child views that situation. What precisely happened, or what precisely is going on, is not really the issue. It is what a child thinks that counts. Your child's perception of what is happening is the reality you must deal with."

I find that children want to be listened to just like adults do. They want to know you understand and to have their feelings validated.

Birth order plays a major roll in the personality of your child..."When using reality discipline, you have to be much more aware of your child's perceptions and you have to learn how to understand and relate to each child and his or her special needs."

Another book that I like that explains a lot about birth order is, "The Birth Order Effect," by Cliff Isaacson and Kris Radish. First borns are often achievers, second borns tend to be mediators and third borns tend to be outgoing. Coming from such a large family we actually had 2 sets of four children and so there is a 1st, 2nd and 3rd in each set. Birth order explains a lot.

"...it's crucial for young parents to find time for themselves apart from their children during the week. Your child does not need you all the time. Parents and children need mini vacations from one another on a regular basis. Mother needs to treat herself fairly and not become a slave to her children. Another way to describe a child's "power trips" is to simply realize that children are always going to seek attention. They want our attention; and they are going to get that attention one way or another. One classic form of testing is the temper tantrum...they had better be ready to deal with the child swiftly, and with action, not just words....spanking does little good when a temper tantrum is in progress. I believe the best approach to a temper tantrum is for the parent to pick up the child and place him in his room. You have essentially told the child, 'You can behave this way if you so choose, but you are going to do it alone and you are not going to disrupt my life and the lives of others around you.' He learns that reality is being accountable for his actions and that unacceptable behavior has no payoff."

I love this man even more, every time I read this book. My students know that wining and nagging don't work with me so that don't use it. When I see kids use temper tantrums at school, I know it works for them at home, otherwise they wouldn't use it. As Dr. Phil says, "You do what works." Children need to realize from a very young age that they are accountable for their actions and words.

"Be a good example; be consistent; your actions speak louder than your words...it is important for your children to see us as imperfect. ...there is no better way to teach a child about having true faith in God. Through your honesty children learn that it's okay to be less than perfect. As you model honesty before your child, you have tremendous opportunities to build intimacy and a strong parent-child relationship. As you model honesty you have opportunities to share your faith in God with your child."

You don't have to tell your kids every bad thing you have ever done or get them emotionally wrapped up in adult problems, but it is always best that you are as honest with them as you can be. You want them to trust you so it's best to be honest with them.

"Reality discipline is something that must be practiced by both parents in a consistent and coordinated way. Whenever possible, I urge parents to do all in their power to come together and be one in their parenting...it is critical that parents are in agreement while facing a child in a disciplinary situation."

To many fathers don't think they are necessary, that their only job is to work and bring home money. A boy learns to be a good man and father by watching his dad and a girl learns what she wants in a husband by watching her dad. Your not just the bank, dads. Your wives and children need you.