MAKING CHILDREN MIND...Chapter #1

Welcome to our discussion of the book, MAKING CHILDREN MIND WITHOUT LOSING YOURS by Dr. Kevin Leman. I would love to read all your thoughts, opinions and comments. My comments will be in green.

CHAPTER #1: IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE! GRAB A VINE!

The key to reality discipline Dr. Leman says, is "love." He says, "Reality discipline uses guidance and action-oriented techniques that force a child to accept responsibility and learn accountability for his or her actions."

Reality discipline is based on the following seven principles:

1. Establish a healthy authority over your children.
"A family is not a democracy." 

Thank God someone else besides me is saying this. Kids need to know that they are not the center of the universe and there is someone who is making the decisions and that someone is you. 

2. Hold your children accountable for their actions.
"As parents we're all home-schoolers. We should be teaching our kids every day that there are consequences for their actions, some positive and some negative." 

Not enough parents make their children face the consequences of their actions. Boy, I like this man...I think I'm in love!

3. Let reality be a teacher.
"Look for teachable moments when you can use reality to deliver a powerful lesson. Don't be afraid to let your kids fail. Your home needs to be a place where you kids can fail--and learn from their failure. It's not our job as parents to get our kids off the hook. Our job is to keep them on the hook."

I see parents getting their kids off the hook all the time at school. They bring in their lunch or homework when the child forgets it (They will not starve by missing lunch one day.), do their work for them (Yes, I can tell the difference between a student's handwriting and a parents.) or make excuses for them when they get their 3rd discipline slip of the year for fighting.

4. Use actions more than words.
"With reality discipline, you need to state your expectations clearly. Let your children know their responsibilities to the family, to school, to others. But then you don't need to keep repeating yourself. Let your actions speak for you."

All my students learn better by showing them something then just lecturing them. They learn to tune out the words early on, but the actions lives on.

5. Stick to your guns, but don't shoot yourself in the foot.
"Kids know that if they just keep whining, keep pleading, keep arguing, they can wear you down and get their way. You have to outlast them. Granted your decisions won't always have the wisdom of Solomon, but you need to teach your kids that what you say goes. Give in, and they'll whine even more next time. Outlast them, and they'll learn that it's pointless to whine. There are some exceptions. Remember that even your authority in not the ultimate--God's authority is. So, if you're getting the idea that a different decision would be wiser or fairer, you can change your mind...In any case, where 'sticking to your guns' would seriously threaten the health or well-being of your child, its best to back track."

I am always amazed how children behave differently for me in the classroom then, say when their parent chaperones on a trip. But I have no problem stepping in, and I have, when I see that child being rude or whining to their parents. Some parents are even amazed when they see what I can get their child to do and with only asking them once.

6. Relationships come before rules.
"...the goal is always the same: teaching your children to love others, to put others first, to be givers and not takers, and to realize that it makes a difference how they conduct themselves. Take time to understand who they are, with their special interests, talents, and emotional makeups."

I see so many parents interested more in their dating life, bingo night or nail appointment then in the grades, emotions and attendance of their child at school. Every year I get at least one child that says to me, "I don't care if you call my mom, she won't do anything."

7. Live by your values.
"Your children learn from watching you. What will they learn from you?"

A favorite saying of most teachers is, "The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree." Generally, parent conferences are a major eye opener for teachers, into why the child is the way they are.

I love how faith based Dr. Leman's ideas are. He goes on to say, "God's love for us is unconditional. He loves us just because we are who we are, imperfect and prone to make mistakes. And he wants us to love our children in the same unconditional way. The desire to love as unconditionally as possible is prerequisite #1 for a parent who wants to practice reality discipline. Reality itself is conditional: If you do certain things, you face certain consequences. But unconditional love can steer us through reality's harsh lessons. That's a crucial distinction for parents to make. You don't stop loving your kids when you discipline them. If anything you're loving them more because you're forcing them to learn from reality. You're preparing them fro a responsible life. Prerequisite #2 of reality discipline is this: You must be willing to take the time to practice it. 'Parenthood is a long-term investment, not a short-term loan.' Parenthood involves the sting of failure and the frustration of the near miss as well as the joy of success."

So many of my students' parents have already given up on them. Some parents have even said to me, "I've tried everything. I don't know what else to do. I just give up." Can you imagine how hard the teenage years will be for them, when at 10 years of age the parent has already said they've given up. I have to bite my tongue, be polite and try to get them back in the game, when I'd really like to shake them and say, "No, you haven't tried everything. How about not keeping them at the bingo hall until 11 PM and actually reading with them instead?" 

He finishes this chapter by saying, "Don't let the 'experts' raise your kids for you...But parenting isn't as complicated as the experts try to make it. It takes some effort, but it doesn't take a graduate degree. When it comes to your children, you're the expert. So take the job. And I'm including myself in the group of outsiders who shouldn't be running your life. If you read something helpful in this book. underline it. If you disagree with something, cross it out. Feel free to modify my suggestions, if you want. If something I say doesn't quite make sense in your situation, put it aside. Use the ideas that do make sense. You know your children best. You be the judge of what works for them as you try to offer unconditional love to these special gifts form God--your children."

I wish all parents viewed their children as, "special gifts from God."