Thursday, February 3, 2011
30 DAYS OF TRUTH....DAY #26
THE REASON, YOU BELIEVE, YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TODAY.
I have wrestled a lot through out my life with my purpose and why I am here.
My growing up years, throughout college and all through my 20's I struggled with depression. I've always known I should be a mother and a teacher, be married, have a home and such, but I was just kind of going through the motions, day in day out, because that was what I was suppose to do. I felt like a square peg being shoved into a round hole. Something just felt.....off.
I felt like I was different then everyone else. I had opinions, but no one wanted to hear them or seemed to agree. I was told that what I was feeling was, "silly," and "stupid." It changed me internally. I became very good at looking strong to protect myself. Everyone else seemed to make friends easily, know what to say socially, feel strong in their opinions, juggle things better, know how to stand up for themselves and make better decisions and choices. After awhile I started doing what others did that seemed to work....go to college, move away, get married....I relied a lot on others to make decisions for me because it was easier, I was scared and I figured they knew better then I did.
I believed that since people didn't want to spend time with me, I must not be worth the effort, so I went into myself more...it was easier just to keep to myself and say as little as possible. I found solitary activities that I enjoyed (reading, writing, crafts).
In my early 30's (during and after my divorce) I finally realize there was no where else to go, but up, so I did a lot of work on me in therapy (a year and 1/2).
So, to make a long story even longer....my point in all this is...I don't think I would be here today if it weren't for:
2. My family (especially, my sister, Genie xoxo)
3. My therapist (thank you Rosemary) and I can finally say...
I worked darn hard to pull myself out of that dark place and to resolve A LOT of issues. I haven't resolved everything, some of those old feelings still keep me from doing certain things and I think I could probably benefit from a little more therapy, but I am a work in process, I like me and thank God I am still here. I can't imagine not being able to enjoy my life now with my wonderful husband and amazing little boy. God is so good!
Labels: 30 DAYS OF TRUTH