Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Seriously Pissed Baby

I was blog hopping and found this....but then I lost who I got it from...sorry...if you're the one reading this, let me know and I will link back to you.

You are now the owner of one Seriously Pissed Baby (SPB). This SPB will cry inconsolably and refuse to eat. Your SBP will scream at the top of her lungs and look at you as though it is your fault. It is. No matter what you try to do, your SPB will be pissed. You can try singing, dancing, rocking, swaying, and any other motion that your body even mildly permits you to do. It will not help. You can try cold teething rings and Tylenol, but that will not help either even though she quite clearly seems to be uncomfortable. You can try swaddling your SPB while leaving out her favorite two fingers to suck on. That will encourage louder, stronger, higher pitched screaming. You can attempt to solve the crying with music knowing that this SPB normally responds to classical music. It will not work on your SPB today. No music will cover the screaming and no music will calm her.

Your SPB needs no batteries to wake the neighbors. There is no off button or switch. The SPB that you now hold is your responsibility and yours alone. You can take her outside, she will pretend to calm, but when you both get too cold to remain outside, she will revert to screaming. She would have big ass crocodile tears if she was forming tears yet. She is not, but please be advised that she has them on the inside. Again, this is your fault. You will not know why your SPB is inconsolable. You may know that your SPB is hungry and tired. You may attempt to feed her, but she will not eat for over 1.5 hours. You may attempt to get her to sleep, but she will not sleep. The two are probably related. If you can get a foothold on eating or sleeping, the other will probably improve. You will not be able to get a foothold. This SPB will cry no matter what you try to do for her today. Accept this and cry with her. It will not help her. She will still cry inconsolably. Chalk it up as one shitty ass day and make someone else prepare dinner.


Your Seriously Pissed Baby