Thursday, January 7, 2010


After reading a blogger who felt she had to go private because she was being attacked by someone who was against adoption, I felt I needed to post. I was nervous about putting it out there because I didn't know if they would attack me too. During and after my recent posts, I did get a lot of HATE MAIL, but I also got a lot of support too. I really appreciate all those who had my back. I also want to thank those who sent me private e-mails since they didn't want the hate turned on them.

Although I was surprised by the number of people who are bitter and angry (One blogger said about me, "this woman is so daft she cannot see that adoption is the root cause for much evil in the world thus making any little bit of good it MIGHT do moot."), I understand it comes from extreme pain and feeling abused by the system.

I know that nothing is all "rainbows and sunshine." There is abuse, lies and scams in every system. I also agree that some reform is necessary, especially with the foster care system. HOWEVER, I will never believe that adoption is not, at it's core, a good thing. I will also always consider my son a gift from God. Samuel was always meant to be my son and this is how I was meant to become a mother.

One commenter said, " use the extremes to "justify" the greatness of adoption seems useless to me since they [bad parents] exist everywhere in our world, not just in "bio" parents."

I was not trying to use the extremes to "justify" adoption. If this person has truly read everything in this series, she would have seen that I was saying this because the main blogger I was writing about wants to abolish adoption here and now, without even having another system in place. My point was, what do we then do with all the children without homes? Should we allow them to languish in an already overloaded foster care system?

I wrote, "Should we be encouraging those who don't think they can parent, to parent anyway and then wait for the "true dire need" (neglect, abuse etc) to occur before we then take the child away."

In response to this a commenter said, "You are assuming the worst. What about the biological parents who would *not* have abused or neglected their children? Just because someone thinks they cannot parent does not instantly mean they are unable to. Does ANY young woman feels she is perfectly capable of parenting for the first time? Probably not. You might also wish to consider that a woman's body has hormones which are affected by the pregnancy and geared towards nurturing her offspring. Sometimes it does not happen. Sometimes, for whatever reason, this woman is in a sick mental state and cannot take care of her child. Sometimes adoption is the best situation IF the child is in direct harm. But I do not believe "direct harm" should be an automatic assumption, especially when adoption is placed into the picture. A woman is not "geared" to abuse and/or neglect her child."

I think through counseling the "mother" needs to make the decision to parent, or not to parent. Just as it is not right to push or coerce someone into placing their child for adoption, it is also not right to push or coerce her into parenting when she doesn't feel she can, for whatever reason (finances, maturity, etc.). I am not assuming "direct harm." I am looking at the whole picture. For instance, maybe she is living with alcoholic parents, with very little income or education, with an abusive boyfriend. She may not abuse her child, but feels the environment would not be good for her child and would just add more stress, making "direct harm" a great likelihood. If she feels it it best to place her child for adoption, I am not going to tell her she is wrong and needs to parent, no matter what.

Another commenter said, "You can stop reading about adpotee issues and people who were hurt by adoption. But if there is even a chance that you child might feel the same, don't you love him enough to keep an open mind? If there is a chance he my feel he has a wound that will not heal, don't you want him to feel he can tell you about it? Do you want him to grow up and feel he has to stuff down his feelings because it is not acceptable to feel anything but happy loved and grateful? Even those of us that grew up in loving adoptive homes being told the happy adoption story of a love so great we deserved to be abandoned, may feel these things. If you are to be an adoptive parent, you owe it to your child to educate yourself and be ready to accept however he feels, and allow him to feel it."

Richard and I will always have open communication with Samuel about his adoption. Because of this, I don't think he will ever feel "abandoned." We have an open relationship with "K" and Samuel will always know her and can ask her any questions he wants.

The part I put in bold print is what struck me as very sad. How can his person write "loving adoptive homes," "happy adoption story" and "abandoned" in the same sentence. Something was missing in this child's life and it wasn't her "natural mother." Abandoned to me means, deserted or forsaken. There are children that are left in garbage cans and even then, that does not mean that they're any less a child of God and
should be taught that their being left was a deficiency in the birthmother not in them. "K" did not "abandon" Samuel. She chose a better life for him.

Other bloggers felt the same way I did, but sent me a private e-mail for fear of being attacked too. I totally understand, so I have published their comments, but kept them anonymous.

One said, "The first is that the writer's all seem to be bitter about adoption, for whatever reason. Their anger pretty much oozes out of every post they write. Secondly, it doesn't seem the majority of them have the mentality or calmness about them to try to debate their point. Their way seems to be the only way, and if you don't agree you are called evil amongst other vulgarities . I don't get how people can fester such hate for the entire adoptive sad for them."

Another said, "Who are these people to think that b/c they have issues, that EVERYONE has issues. That would be like me saying that because I have had a positive adoption experience, EVERYONE else who had adopted has. I can only think of one term to describe these people, and it is pathetic. They really should realize that by being the way they are, it is pushing people away from their viewpoints, not closer."



*Peach* said...

I am an adult adoptee who blogs about my 20 year reunion with my first family, my adoption, and being a mother. There is a very good article called "Happy Adoptees" by Julie A. Rist that explains alot. It is the second article down on my blog right now if you'd like to read it.

Anonymous said...

"I think through counseling the "mother" needs to make the decision to parent, or not to parent."

But right here you use quotes.

Therefore you are already indicating you do not believe she is a mother or can parent... before she's even STARTED to parent. (Note: I am not talking about situations where there is evidence of abuse/neglect/alcoholism.)

It is pointless to engage in debate if one's mind is already set up to assume the worst of a situation as to why a "mother" feels as though she cannot parent and/or does not deserve to be called as such.

Tracey said...

Referring to the comment above....I put "mother" in quotes to show that I DO believe she is the child's first mother and as a mother has to make the best choices for the child....please do not try to tell me what I do or do not believe because of something I put in quotes.

You are right, it is pointless to engage in debate if one's mind is already set to assume that ALL adoptees have had horrible experiences, feel abandoned and all adoptive parents are trying to change a child's heritage and hide their past.

They called her Chloe said...


I am so sad that many people just don't get it about how some first mother's and adoptees feel. But how can the general public if they haven't walked in our shoes? I think many of us first mothers are more pro-reform than anti-adoption. If your child was taken from you today do you think you would ever get over the loss and grief? Do you ever think you would not be bitter towards a society that let such a situation happen?
Anyway...ignore us bitter/angry first mothers if you wish...I have no issue with that BUT PLEESE listen, read and listen again and read what adoptees have to say about adoption. They are the ones that matter the most and we must listen to them. PLeeeese try to understand what they are saying/feeling.I see that Mei-Ling has posted comments on your blog. I believe that her blog is a must read as she expresses her emotions and thoughts so extremely well. visit: what Mei-Ling has to say about adoption is so important...
Thanks for letting me comment.