So, blog friends, especially those who have adopted, the question is, "Who would not want to see this face and hold this cute little boy?"In our adoption contract we agreed to send pictures and letter to "K" 4 times a year until Samuel is 3 years old and then 2 times a year until he is 18 years old. In the last letter I sent, at the beginning of October, I mentioned that if "K" would like to see Samuel around his first birthday (in December) we would be open to meeting with her and her family. It's now the end of October and we haven't got any reply. The last time we called "K" it didn't seem like she wanted to talk and she kind of rushed us off the phone, so we are hesitant to call her. I understand that some people need to keep their distance, as a way to deal with not having their child in their lives, but I was so hoping she would want to see him. Maybe it's just too hard for her to see him again. Some of my family thinks it's a good thing that "she has moved on with her life" and will make things easier in the future, but I'm not so sure.
I had got used to the idea of Samuel having "K" in his life and he'd just grow up knowing who she was. Having known "K" since she was 5 months pregnant, I had the impression that she would want to have a lot of contact with us. Now, I don't know what to think. Maybe I'll call my facilitator at the agency and ask her what she thinks of the situation. I certainly do not want to push myself on "K," but I want to have some understanding of where her thinking is, so I have some idea of what to expect in the future. I rehearse what I will say to Samuel about "K" and his adoption and I'm not sure how to tell him that she had the opportunity to be in his life, but chose not to.
10 comments:
I have no experience with adoption but your thought of contacting the facilitator is probably right. I would just send pics as planned and let her take the lead on involvement past that. YOU are his mother, no matter whose body he came from and if she wants to take a step back, for whatever reason, she made that choice when she signed the papers. Confusing for you? Yes. Confusing for Samuel? No. He knows who his momma is.
My sister-in-law is a birthmom and gave her daughter to an adoptive family 12 years ago. She has never seen her daughter, even all these years later and she knows exactly where she lives.
Knowing her personally and seeing the raw pain that still exists over not being a part of her daughter's life, I can tell you that it's just too difficult. My SIL said she never met with the adoptive family again because it would have been like living that dreaded day all over again. She didn't want to have to mourn the loss of her daughter more than once.
She does say, however, that if her daughter ever seeks her out, on her own, she would definitely meet with her - no matter how difficult.
I would be careful on passing judgements on sweet Samuel's birth mom. It might be too soon...too hard.
Maybe she just needs some time.
Joshua's bmom has seen him regularly since his birth - every 3 months or so, but recently moved away to another state. She called to tell me she was moving, but didn't really ask about him. She wanted to tell me about her life instead. Not sure why...it is a puzzle...
Our contract with our birth mom was for letters for the first year only. In the last two letters that I sent, I asked her to let us know if she wanted future letters (we were more than willing). I also sent her a message letting her know that we'd be in her state for Thanksgiving if she wanted to see us. She said no. We have left the door open for her to contact us if/when she is ready. It is just too painful for her at this time. I think contacting your facilitator is a good idea but don't push it if she is not willing or ready. Just let her know that you will be ready when she is ready. Sometimes I feel that all of the open adoption blogs that I read made me push our birth mom more than I should have. I want to respect her wishes but also be able to tell Samuel that we left the door open for her when she is ready.
Definitely call your facilitator because she can provide some perspective. I think it's really common for birthmoms to reach a point where they need some distance. Obviously, you want to respect that, but you also want her to know that the door is always open when she's ready.
Absolutely call your facilitator and get their input. It could be the pain she's feeling...and not wanting to face it...it could she's "trying to move on" (aka pretending it never happened). I'm sure she's thinking about herself at this point since she is an adoptee herself. Maybe she needs space right now and will be able to respond when she's a bit more mature. But, maybe not. I don't know. Certainly a tough spot to be in...especially when he is so dang cute!!!
I too don't have any experience with adoption, besides my sister adopting a little boy who is now 2 years old. I simply couldn't imagine the confusion and pain giving a baby up could cause. I think you are doing the right thing, you've put the ball in her court, and now it's up to her to respond. What a cutie! Maybe she's worried that if she sees him in person, she won't want to let him go.
We send letters and pictures to our agency, and know that while our birth mom has them, she hasn't looked at the pictures or read the letters. It's all just too difficult for her. While she felt that placing him was the best decision she could make at the time, it was so incredibly painful for her ... and I can only imagine, still is.
Just follow your heart, send the updates, and continue to give thanks and love on Samuel.
I can't really offer too much advice. I almost think that I would be willing to live that horrible day again just to see my baby grow over the years, but just as there are different adoptive parents their are different birth parents.
I wouldn't know what to think either, but I do think you should check with your facilitator and get their expertise. During our adoptive parenting classes, we met a lot of adoptive parents who had something similar happen. I think sometimes pulling away may be a natural reaction to the pain birth moms feel. I definitely think it's good that you're giving her the space by not calling her, etc. Maybe she just needs more time...?
Hugs,
Melba
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