Infertility

As I said yesterday, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years now. (I actually tried with my x-husband too and although I think all that time counts, Richard says my x wasn't the right man and so therefore that was never going to work. I actually thank God everyday that I didn't get pregnant then. What a disaster that would have been for the child and for us.)

Richard and I tried for about 6 months, to get pregnant on our own, naturally. Nothing happened. After that, Richard was found to be in the 95% for fertility and I went on clomid, which is a fertility drug, and bought at home ovulation kits. Hormones raged and so did I. What a saint my husband is! That lasted about 6 months. Then I had to take some time off.

You have to understand that for me, I always thought I would have children. It became part of who I am suppose to be. It's a part of me. It's a part of my purpose in life. So, I can't fathom what I would do with my life if I couldn't be a mother. So, it never crossed my mind that I would have difficulty conceiving. It took my mother and each of my sisters 2 years to get pregnant the first time, but after that it was no problem and they have never gone to the extremes I have had to.

It is so emotional to try so hard and want something so badly and then every month be disappointed AGAIN! I would cry every time my period started and I actually had to stop attending other people's baby showers. It seemed like everyone around me could get pregnant so easily and it made me so ANGRY. I got angry with God for a time too. What had I done so wrong that He wouldn't bless me with a child, but yet He saw fit to give every stupid fourteen year old, making immature decisions, what I so desperately wanted.

So, I waited and hoped and prayed and said Novenas and hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed every month. Month in month out......

After that we tried to adopt through CYFD (Children, Youth and Families Department). It took about 6 months, a home study, and an FBI check to become active with them. Then we waited.....and waited....and waited....We were told that if we were willing to foster it would go quicker. I know me and I would never be able to take a child into my home and love it only to possible lose it. That would have killed me.

So we waited...and waited....We were told that if we were willing to take a child with "issues" it would go quicker. You should have seen there list of "issues." There was fire starters to rapists and everything in-between. Sorry, but to be totally honest, I honor those who can take on these kids, but I am not one of them. We also knew that CYFD's main goal is "parent reunification." Sorry again, but I do not feel that parents should be given second, third, forth and fifth chances, when they are not willing to make the sacrifices (not doing drugs, hooking or being abusive) necessary to take care of the blessings that God has given them. So, after a year and not being any closer to adopting then the day we started, we decided it was easier waiting on God then CYFD and we ended our relationship with them.

Finally, last fall my brother offered to loan my husband and I some money (Ok, a lot of money.) so we could try either Artificial Insemination (AI) or Invitro Fertilization (IVF). IF is a lot more involved and a lot more expensive and you still only have about a 10% chance of it working each time. Also you have a much greater chance of having multiples. So in talking to our doctor we opted for AI, along with fertility drugs, instead.

Over the next 3 months I injected myself in the stomach with drugs (Again, cycle and hormones way thrown off.) and had 2 AI's. My husband spent many nights holding his crying wife, doing his part without complaint. He's my hero! Neither one of the AI's was successful. I think the doctors would have taken our money indefinitely if we had wanted to continue, but for my own sanity, I finally had to say enough is enough.

We sent both our families a long e-mail (I couldn't have done it by phone without crying.) explaining that we were done. We were no longer going to try any more "procedures" and we were now just going to deal with the emotions (It felt like a death!) and somehow move on with our lives. Believe me, at that moment, I had no idea how I was going to do that or what my life was going to be like without children.

We really didn't have any time to grasp our lives without children because within a couple days of that e-mail being sent, Richard's dad called and said that if we wanted children and wanted to adopt they (Richard's mom, dad, brother and sister) could make that happen (We couldn't afford to do this on our own.). Wow! We were shocked, happy, scared, excited....didn't know what to do or say, besides "yes," and "thank you." Aren't my in-laws wonderful!!!

That was 6 months ago. We have now done a lot of research (Boy, is the Internet wonderful!!) and decided to adopt domestically (within the United States). We have found an agency (A local Christian agency that has been in business for 10 years), filled out the application (Deciding we want an infant of any nationality and sex doesn't matter.), put down an initial deposit (Thank God for the adoption tax credit we'll get back at the end.), painted the nursery and gathered the basic furniture. We've even picked names: Samual Henry, if it's a boy or Sarah Lapage, if it's a girl (both family names).

We now have to attend an orientation, parenting classes, have a home study, be checked by the FBI (Yes, this is all stuff we did with CYFD, but we have to do it again. At least we know what it entails.), put together an album of our family for birth mothers to look at and WAIT!

Some time in the next 18 months, hopefully sooner, we will be parents. Wow! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. God and my husband have been with me through it all. I have overcome a lot of pain and I am stronger for it.

Our little one is out there somewhere and we are waiting... praying... waiting.... praying... waiting... praying... waiting... praying. Thank you God for all of our blessings. We are so happy and hopeful about the future.