JUST A MOM

I've spent the last 65 days being "just a mom" and I have not enjoyed every 93600 second of it.

I'm sorry. Did you expect me to say that it's everything I have ever wanted and all 93600 seconds of it were bliss? I'd be lying if I said that.

There is no way you can enjoy tantrums, sleepless nights that last for 3 months, washing toilets, not having time to eat, shower or brush your teeth, or never having a single quiet moment to yourself.....but....

....this time....I totally want to be a stay at home mom and I DO NOT want to go back to my "paying" job.

I'm not sure why my attitude has changed; maybe it's because I'm 45 and my priorities have changed.

The first time I did this, 5 years ago, I looked forward to going back to work because...ssshhh....it was easier.

Now, I have a husband that is comfortable around babies, is still comatose at 3 a.m. (He's even forgotten to close the baby bottle and poured the formula all over the baby.), loves his family, makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, works his ass off and loves his wife. I have a 5 year old little man that (drives me CRAZY) I actually have a relationship with, has the coolest little personality, is funny, outgoing, smart, cute, has major attitude and loves his mom. Finally, I have a three month old little man that I am still getting to know, falls asleep in my arms, but smiles at me and I know, loves his mom.

I don't want to do 2 jobs and do neither to the best of my ability. I don't want to have to be and do everything. I want to "just be a mom" and do it well. I want to go to all the field trips, raise my baby, take care of the house (take that off my husband's plate...)....and yes, even learn to cook. I want to deal with tantrums, sleepless nights, wash toilets and miss a few showers and quiet moments to myself. I want to have time to do laundry, pay bills and vacuum.

So, instead, in 30 more days I will set off at 6 a.m., leaving my husband to do the morning shift, while I teach other peoples' children (which I love by the way...but do not feel I am doing my best at...)....hoping I can do "something" well. I will then pick Sam up at preschool and go home to the nanny, who will be helping to raise Andrew and then try to have enough energy to last until Sam goes to bed at 8 p.m. and Andrew (hopefully) sleeps through the night. Then on the weekends I will try to catch up on laundry, vacuuming, washing toilets and paying bills.....while secretly feeling like I am a failure.

I will now try to focus on enjoying (and not enjoying) the next 30 days of being able to be "just a mom."