CHAPTER 10 LEADERSHIP DISCIPLINEThose who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Proverbs 13:24
"With rare exception, today's parents believe in behavior modification-that "correct" consequences, correctly used, will correct a child's misbehavior.....behavior modification works with animals, but not with children." (p. 199)
I think behavior modification is worth a try, but I don't think it works most of the time. As the author says, " the child will deny that a consequence, even one that is highly punitive, has any power or relevance in his or her life."
"It is vital that children understand that different choices result in different consequences. But that understanding does not guarantee proper behavior." (p. 202)
"So, what should parents do when consequences have 'failed,' when they have done the right thing and their child keeps right on doing the wrong thing? They should keep doing the right thing-they should keep right on delivering consequences. They should never give up on the good fight. This misguided belief that right consequences produce right behavior is the source of most of the frustration many of today's parents experience in the area of discipline." (p. 203)
I am disgusted to see so many parents literally "give-up" on their child. I have also had parents literally tell me, "I give up. I don't know what else to do." In doing this they try to throw the success of their child back in my lap. In fact, when I delve a little more, I come to find that they (1) do not hold their child responsible, (2) continue to flower the child with things they don't deserve, (3) don't really want to discipline because it would inconvenience them (They wouldn't be able to go the the casino, if they had to watch over whether their child was doing what they were suppose to do.). How can you "give up" on a ten year old?
"If these behavioral problems [ADD, ODD, CBD] were inherited, how is it that they were virtually unheard-of fifty-plus years ago?" (p. 204)
"The process by which parents transform a willful child into a willing disciple...is accomplished by providing the child with effective leadership." (p. 206)
"Effective leaders-people who have a knack for making other people want to follow their lead-are distinguished not by how cleverly they manipulate reward and punishment, but by the following:" (p. 207)
* They may disapprove of what you do, but they always approve of you (unconditional positive regard).
* They lead through example. They do not expect others to do what they have not themselves done or are unwilling to do.
* They are enthusiastic concerning their vision, and their enthusiasm is communicable.
* They motivate others to follow their lead through positive coaching and encouragement, by helping people reach down inside themselves and bring out the best in themselves. And because they help people become the very best they can be, those people look up to them.
* They are decisive and willing to make unpopular decisions
* They "stay the course" when the going gets rough.
"....love and leadership are inseparable. The truly loving parent is one who provides not just ample nurturing, but effective discipline..." (p. 210)
Now this chapter goes into the controversial topic of spanking...personally, I don't think spanking should be your number one tool for disciplining, but I do feel that a swat now and then or a smack on the hand (when reaching toward the hot stove etc) can be quite useful and very effective when trying to get a little-ones attention.
"A spanking delivered, impulsively, in anger...is unlikely to do anything but cause resentment...discipline and punishment are not one and the same." (p. 214)
"...punitive expressions of your leadership should be the exception, not the rule." (p. 216)
"The usual anti spanking argument consists of three equally misleading assertions: (1) Spankings are likely to escalate into child abuse. (2) Spankings teach children that it's okay to hit people who upset you. (3) There is always an alternative to spanking.....no compelling evidence exists that might even come close to supporting these notions..."(p. 216)
The author states the following facts about spanking: (p. 217-219)
1. Spankings seem to be most effective between the ages of two and six.
2. Spankings are most effective when paired with another consequence, such as removal of a privilege.
3. Spankings do not easily or normally escalate into child abuse.
4. The more often a child is spanked, the less effective any given spanking will be.
5. No evidence suggests that spankings per se are harmful.
The author then goes into the "How-tos" of spanking: (p. 219-221)
* the hand is the only appropriate means of administering a spanking
* spankings should not be delivered in anger
* child should know why they are being spanked
* spankings should be reserved for the most serious of offenses (belligerence, defiance, stealing, lying, assault)
* parents should stay with the child until his/her distress has passed, at which time the parent should reassure the child of the parent's abiding love
"....there are certain times when a swift pop or two to the rear, without prior conversation or even so much as a warning, will be appropriate...spanking is designed not so much to correct the behavior that's taking place, but to quickly terminate a misbehavior and get the child's attention." (p. 220)
"Effective discipline is not conveyed by methods, spanking or otherwise, but through effective communication of instructions and expectations-through leadership." (p. 221)
STUDY QUESTIONS:
1. HAVE YOU BEEN A BELIEVER IN BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION?
2. DOES YOUR LEADERSHIP STYLE MATCH THE DESCRIPTION OF AN EFFECTIVE LEADER?
3. IF YOU ONLY RELY ON SPANKINGS, HOW WILL YOU NOW HANDLE SOME OF THE MISBEHAVIOR FOR WHICH YOU HAVE SPANKED?
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