Saturday, January 24, 2009

Twenty-Four Days and Counting....

....until I go back to work! Yesterday, Penny, the lady who will be watching Sam, came over to visit and to see how everything runs. I am so jealous that she will be able to stay here with my son. Though all your comments have been very helpful, I continue to feel inadequate as a mother. I'm told this a very common feeling, especially for mothers who work outside the home. I am jealous of all of you, who have managed to stay home to care for your children.

I love being a teacher, but I love being a mom even more. Being a teacher is a great job to have when you have kids because of the time you have off, but after having taught for 18 years, it doesn't hold the same appeal it once did, especially since Samuel came along.

I feel like I have three jobs now: mother, housewife, teacher, and dividing my time among them all, will cause me to not do any of them great. My A-personality is having a hard time adjusting to this.

I am envious of everyone who (seems to) has it all together. I'm trying to enjoy every day, but not sleeping through the night is really kicking my butt. We have 1 great night (sleeping 4 hours at a feeding) and then 2 bad nights (sleeping 2 hours at a feeding). I wish I could figure out more of a pattern to all this. I try to keep Samuel up more of the day, but even when I do this, it doesn't necessarily mean a great night will follow. I've kept a spread sheet for 2 weeks now and I'm not any better at getting a pattern down. You keep telling me, "it will happen," and "don't rush it," but I get so discouraged. 

I keep telling myself that God knows what He is doing and He never gives you more then you can handle, but it's becoming more and more difficult to believe this.


rita from georgia said...

i am a 55 year old mom. worked until kids were out of the home. worst mistake i ever made. stay home with the BABY. You cant buy time. cut out the extras, scale way back and enjoy a life of not being ruled by bills.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry that you are frustrated right now. Please know that you are not alone. All of the emotions that you are experiencing are normal. Lack of sleep makes all of our vision blurry. It will get better in time.
And no one has it all together. Regardless of working outside of the home or staying home, all moms have their own doubts and insecurities about their ability and choices as a parent. All that you can do is the best that Tracey can do...and you have to do what is best for your family....not any one else's.

I am sending you a (((BIG HUG!))) I will pray for God to comfort your heart about all the things going on in your life right now.

God Bless,

Headless Mom said...

I soooo remember those days. My first was not a sleeper either (he was a 20 min. at a time guy. Would you rather have that?) There is nothing to say except (((big hugs))) and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. (Well, not the going back to work part, but the sleep part.)

Kathleen*Bass said...

Big hugs tracey. I hate that your arent your usual, sunshiney, happy blogger lately. I know that lack of sleep kills my mood and makes me a meanie, so I cant imagine what extreme lack of sleep will do to me.
I guess the best advice I could give is to trust yourself and knwo that nothing you do or dont do NOW will make a major impact on Samuel as a 5 yr old, 15 yr old, or as an adult. I think this time is all about survival...both yours and his. Just get through it the best you can. There dont seem to be right answers or wrong answers. Just fo whatever works in the moment, and try not to think about establishing patterns yet. He is soooo new to this great big Earth, and he isnt sure what he wants when yet! So if HE's not sure, no one can expect YOU to be sure!
TRY TRY TRY to enjoy this time. I knwo you have waited so long for Samuel to come home to you. I hate to see you so down about it. :(

Becky said...

Lots of great things said here Tracey! The first few months can be very trying and of course tiring....all mothers know that and have been there! As much as I remember loving it, it was so hard. And I would think, "I'm not even having to physically recover from childbirth!!). It does take time for rhythms and patterns to fall in to place..for everyone and everything to start gelling and meshing together! You will get there!!

Going back to work is very difficult. We never talked about or planned on me not working. I taught school as well and, being married to a teacher/coach, we thought there was no way we could ever do one income.
A woman who worked at my school as an aide my first year there, was not planning to return the next fall and wanted a teacher's baby to keep in her home. We would talk off and on about 'when' I got my baby, she would keep it. Well, it did work out for Julie to keep our son. She had one son herself who was in school, she was about 10minutes from the school I worked at, and she loved my baby! She was wonderful to this day 9 years later checks on him and keeps in touch!

But, it wasn't me! I wasn't there! I had waited for him for 7 painful years and I cried every day, every night. I will not lie about how hard it was. I saw all my friends doing it and figured it was no big deal, I could too!
Well, I couldn't. Steve and I decided to give it a try, as tight and as hard as it would be. We'd take it year by year.
There have been times when I've marveled at how we've done it. But, God has been faithful and blessed our sacrifices. We don't live like paupers but, we live far from "the world's" standards of princely! We've made it, year to year, hubby works a summer job and tax returns help build the savings and we don't use credit cards. There's nothing I could have, need, or want apart from the time I've had at home.
When my daughter starts school, I'll go back full time and we'll hit it extra hard saving for the future! Trusting in the Lord for everything!

I worked for 5 months to finish the school year and didn't go back full time. I've always worked part time since then to help fill in some of the gaps. I've always worked in church ministries like Mother's Day Out or Preschool so my kids could go with me.
I'm sorry to ramble and go on! Just wanted to share my story.

Whatever you need to do, know that it is never in your own strength. It is in Him who strengthens you!!! Work full time out of the home, part time, or completely in the home, you have to have help and support! You can not get it all done on your own! Finally becoming a mom made me quickly get over my Type A-isms!!!!

OH, and hubby and I had a great conversation just this morning about the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle."
We can't find that scriptually anywhere in the Word. If you know of where He says that, let us know! He doesn't promise it to be easy but, He does promise to always be there! He gives us what we need in order to make us what He needs us to be!
Praying for your peace and comfort and blessing!

Debbie B said...

It took me months to start feeling like a good mother. It was all so new to me. The more you beat yourself up about it the longer it will take (in my opinion). Just enjoy him! Plus I bet Penny will be able to help with getting him on a schedule and let her. Isabel is just now starting to sleep better, it's taking real food to do it I assume since it's the major change, well that and two teeth.
Do you alternate night feedings with your hubby? Maybe that would help you get a little more sleep.

It's hard to be a working mom. We've been blessed for me to be able to stay home as long as I have but I'm working part time now and looking for something full time. But I know that it won't be forever. We don't do many extras with me staying home but it's so worth it. I do enjoy getting out and I know Isabel loves being in the room with other kids so I don't feel too guilty yet.

Rachel said...

It is hard to go back to work. I won't tell you otherwise. Savor your weekends and evenings. Don't schedule things without baby if possible, you'll want the time with him.

P.S. I tagged you in my blog.