Thursday, January 15, 2009

I NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

MY BIGGEST FRUSTRATION IS NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE MY BABY HAPPY? I SEE HIS CRYING AS UNHAPPINESS. I KNOW LOGICALLY THAT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY HE HAS TO COMMUNICATE, BUT AFTER 5, ALMOST 6 WEEKS, IT'S BECOME MORE FRUSTRATING. I WISH I COULD FIGURE HIM OUT QUICKER!

I HAVE LEARNED TO DECIPHER SOME OF HIS CRIES.

* when he cries in a low, on-again off-again way, it usually means he is tired, bored, or settling down to sleep. I know he has a certain amount of energy to expend, and crying is one of the ways he does this, but it is still hard to just listen to and let go.

* a louder, insistent cry means he is uncomfortable, hungry, has an upset stomach or a soiled diaper. I check all these and then usually the insistence lessons.

* sometimes he just wants to be cuddled, hugged and talked to, or his position switched.

I want to do everything "right" and I get upset when I can't solve the problem. Although everyone says enjoy these days and don't wish them away, I do. I know some of my frustration is also my own adjustment. I am 40 years old and up to this point, have been able to come and go as I please and my routine has now been dramatically altered. I also feel guilty, like I am neglecting other areas of my life: house, spiritual, cleaning and cooking. I also get scared when I think of going back to work....how am I ever going to find the time to get that "stuff" done too?

Sleep deprivation is definitely a factor, but I also think some of my feelings may be hormonal...I've read that premenopausal symptoms can start about this time.

I used to wake up, jump out of bed and I was going at 65 miles an hour in 1.2 seconds. I got 50 project done and didn't slow down all day until around 5 or 6 PM, but when I did stop all my goals and plans were usually accomplished and I felt satisfied.

Now, when I wake up I have to focus on Samuel's needs first, of course and all the other stuff that has to get done or I wanted to get done, is done when and if he falls asleep. I have taken to doing a weekly list of things to accomplish, but even then a lot of them are not done.

I want to love every moment of this....but sometimes I just don't.

9 comments:

Rachel said...

The sleep deprivation will get better...you will be able to comfort him and meet his needs, and he eventually will learn to communicate without crying! Keep your chin up.

Our Growing Family said...

tracey,

as an adoptive mom who just went back to teaching, i can tell you that you cant/wont/shouldnt get all of those things done that we were able to accomplish pre-baby. and unfortunately, it only gets harder when you become a working mom. however, being away from my sweet one makes me appreciate him more and care about the dishes and the laundry less. i am still learning how to "let go" of my ambitious plans for the day and enjoy the moments i get to see paytons sweet smiles. i hope things settle down for you and little samuel stops crying and your burden lessens.
diana

Amy said...

You are completely normal. This baby "fog" is so hard. Trust me it will pass. My girlfriends that have had babies in the past couple of years say it takes about 3 months. I know that probably does not make you feel better right now but you'll be amazed at how different things will be in a few weeks. Keep plugging along and try not to worry about all the other stuff it will still be there waiting for you. GOOD LUCK!!!

Paula Houde said...

Hey Tracey,
Cut yourself some slack...all that you are feelig is absolutely normal. Take a deep breath and look how far you've come since you brought that beautiful boy home. Unfortunately they don't come with manuals. Wouldn't life be easier? As far as routine, don't get too used to one, it'll change often. (Sorry) You'll find though that as time goes on, certain things become less and less important...it takes a long time, but it'll happen. Anytime you need to talk just let me know. I'll be happy to listen. Remember, with all the love you are giving this little guy, things will be just fine!!! xoxox

Amy said...

I have read your other comments from your bloggy buddies, and I was going to say all of the same things.

It will get better, friend!
And remember, God knows that you are up to the task! That's why He chose you to be Samuel's mommy!:)

(((BIG HUGS!)))
Amy:)

Becky said...

I truly hope you begin to feel better about things quickly. Honestly, I can't relate....I was so elated to finally be a mom after 7 painful years, I was in total bliss with everything. I"m sure that doesn't help you to hear...just that I don't know what to say. I know plenty of moms have these same adjustment problems and I'm sure that amoms are not immune either...obviously!
And honestly, I couldn't imagine starting over now at 40.....I was 31 and 36 so, I'm sure that is a factor too altho, you are young! 40 is not old! It can't be b/c I hit it this year!
Hang in there!
I've been fortunate to be home with my kids and only work barely part time. I tell my husband all the time I couldn't do it all if I were working full time. I will go back when they are both in school so, I know how hard it will be. You have to rely on lots of help and know that that is OK.

Bri said...

I think it is really great that you have the confidence to say, "this is HARD!" I think too many adoptive moms are too scared to say those things becuase we have all wished so hard for this for so long. The truth is, the best things in life aren't easy and it is ok to be frustrated with it and to not enjoy every second. The beautiful part to me is, I think you are more concerned about not meeting Samuel's needs than your own. I know you find your routine and learn to let the little things go(whatever those are?!?!)! I wish you peace and sleep!!!!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I'm with Amy...everything I was going to say has been said in the comments above. :) Hang in there - it truly DOES get easier! I think it is so hard, especially with the first one, because we want to do everything PERFECTLY, and we really don't know how to do that or if we are doing enough. But trust me...you're a fantastic mom, and he's gonna be just fine.

Headless Mom said...

Listen to your friends-this is normal, right down to feeling guilty for feeling this way! As much as we love our children we don't always LIKE the way they make us feel. Consider it an early lesson for dealing with teenage (or tween) attitude. Hang in there sweet friend-it will get better!

Oh, and not all moms are in love with their babies-some love them more when they are toddlers, or school age kids, or teens. IT'S OK!!! I loved mine as babies (sleep deprivation included) but hated the toddler years with a fiery passion. My mom always said that if kids came out 12 that she would have had 12.