I placed my daughter in 1986. Things were a little different back then. I picked the adoptive parents from a paper...no picture. No names...but they promised me pictures and update letters...only one update letter ever came...they did not include a picture. It was around the time my daughter turned one. The letter was cold...and dismissive...I never heard from them again.
I knew when I read the letter that I would never hear from them again....
If I were an adoptive mother...this is what I would write the birthmom...
I would tell her about...
his silly times...
his serious moods.
I would tell her funny stories...
and about the bumps and bruises.
I would tell her what he looks like when he sleeps at night...and send a picture too.
I would tell her what his favorite story is...maybe even send her a copy of the book.
I would tell her that he drools....and his hair sticks straight up in a certain place.
I would tell her that he frowns with a deep furrow in his brow...when he doesn't get what he wants....and how he laughs...that big belly laugh sound.
I would tell her that he pulls his sister's hair...and eats kitty food sometimes.
I would tell her that he cut his first tooth...or took his first step...and maybe even send a video, too.
I would tell her how that when we're out, the ladies love him!! They come to squeeze his big fat cheeks and fuss over this thighs.
I would tell her that our dog licks his face...and the kitty runs away when she sees him coming.
I would tell her all about the toys he loves...his trucks...or balls...or plastic tools.
I would tell her what a mess he makes when he eats his dinner...tossing bits to the dog waiting below.
I would tell her how he loves to paint....and playdo makes him laugh.
I would certainly write that we love him, so....and he completes our family...but more than that, I would let the stories show her how loved he is...so she will know.
I think all I ever wanted was a glimpse into her life...just a little snippet...just so I could know she was loved...and happy...and healthy and if they took the time to tell me these things...in a warm and loving way, I would have known they valued me...that they respected me....that, maybe, they loved me too...and those are the feelings about me, they would pass on to her.
Instead, I found a daughter that hates me. That hates me her whole life. Without ever even knowing me.
---Jane
9 comments:
Wow, Tracey, that is so sad.
I think adoption is a beautiful thing, but we should always leave room in everyone's heart for more people. Updates are so crucial for the birth parents. It just helps them to know that their child is still alive, and smiling. How cruel to leave this woman behind.
I'm glad you have a much bigger-hearted view of the whole thing! Think of all the people you're blessing...
Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!
What a great list. Very helpful for me. I always struggle with what to tell Monica.
That last line though is heartbreaking.
That letter broke my heart. I simply can't understand how some adoptive parents fo this to their child's BM. That list is so great, I can imagine how it must be tough to figure out exactly whay to say to the BM.
Thank you for posting that. We're still waiting parents, so all the sound advice I can get will be helpful! So sad.. I can't imagine not showing my appreciation to the woman who places her child in my heart and home.
Thanks for posting this. I will be writing my monthly letter (with LOTS of pictures) to our daughter's birthmom and grandmother. I struggle with what to write - don't want to sound too happy, you know? This letter really helps, especially because we only have a one-sided relationship with her birthmom right now. Thankfully, her birth grandma writes us back almost every month so that helps!
This is really sad.
The one thing that I have really loved about the situation that we are in is that we are spending so much time with A&C, talking with them on the phone and in person. Such pricelss information that we can pass on to our child.
I know of a birthmother who committed suicide b/c of her anguish and depression over the adoptive parents deceptions and lies to get her baby. Then, she never heard anything again.
The adoptive mother is known in the adoption community and even wrote a book about her 'method'! HORRIBLE!!! I can only hope she lives with a guilty conscience every day for what she did to that first mother!!
How heartbreaking for that birthmom. I wish we knew who our boys birth parents were. We don't and I have very little to tell my boys about their birth families. Justin, my 7 year old is starting to ask questions, about what I think his birth parents look like and that someday he wants to go to Korea to meet them. I pray that when the time comes he can find them. We do have the option to set up a file with our agency and send letters and pictures to that file in hopes the birth mom decides to check. We will be doing this over the next few months.
Came here from Bri's blog...and this list is SO perfect. We're about 4 weeks from our baby's birth too, and I try to think every day how we can update his birthmother and share our joy with her. And one day, I want them to be able to meet and love each other...this list was beautiful. Thanks for posting!
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